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Osbourne One-Nil


We used to get a milk delivery every other day. The milk came round with the daily papers, which were delivered every day (funnily enough) and it therefore always puzzled me that if they were coming to our house every day with the papers, couldn't they bring the milk with them as well? There was nothing wrong with getting milk every other day in itself, other than it would take up the whole fridge because it came in (wait for it) milk bottles. Anyway, that all stopped before Christmas because they said with the rising cost of diesel, they couldn't justify the expense of delivering the milk any more. I asked why not increase the cost of the milk, and they said that wouldn't be fair. There I was suggesting they charge me more, and they tell me it wouldn't be fair. It's always like that round here. I wanted a clothes hoist thingy once....the sort of thing that you rack up onto the ceiling to dry your clothes. Pygnie's in Appleby had one for £40 so I went to buy it. The bloke in the shop took a sharp intake of breath (like plumbers do) and said it was too expensive and I shouldn't be spending money on stuff like that. HE was telling ME that I shouldn't give him so much of my money, but instead should buy the necessary bits to make my own, and that way, save a tenner. I didn't want to...I'm a busy man...I wanted to buy one. Oh no....I went home with the bits. Every time I go into the pet shop and buy Billy's food they apologise about the expense of it. Charge me less then you stupid sods.

Anyway, back to the milk delivery....they stopped coming to save on fuel, but they still come every day to deliver everyone's papers centrally to the village "bus stop" (an historical term dating back to when rural areas had buses). How much more fuel would it use to vist the houses individually and give them their papers and some milk? I hat buying milk from supermarkets as it always comes in those stupid bloody plastic jugs which you then have to recycle which means a 15 mile round trip for me. I phoned up the council and told them what I thought of their policy of giving us only two bin bags a week, and how hard it was to cater for all the milk jugs I had to recycle, and the woman at the end of the phone said that as a consumer, I should make more informed purchases. I want milk...I have three kids....how else can I buy it? Stupid cow (if you'll pardon the pun).

Anyway, the reason I mention all this is that when I collected today's paper, I couldn't help but chortle at the sycophantic pap the Express and the Mail have about the Queen's birthday. Now, I like the Queen...if she was 50 years younger I might think about it, but to suck-up quite as much as those disgraceful papers have is laughable.

Anyway, today, everything is the fault of the milkman.


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